Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
