I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
