Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
