I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
