"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
should my penis look like a turkey
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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