I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
