My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Girls should come with a carfax report
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
