I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
