Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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