oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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