I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
