somebody snuck up and got me drunk
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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