Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I am one with the molecules
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize