I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
