Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
