Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize