a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
