you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
