so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
