I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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