your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize