Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
