I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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