My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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