what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
