I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
