Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
