I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
