Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
They are going to name an STD after you.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
