you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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