I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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