I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
