Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
