No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
