At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
