You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
