You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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