The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
