im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
