WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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