I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
