I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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