drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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