your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize