Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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