I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
