john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
