I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
