You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
