he puts the penis in happiness.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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