my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
