I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
