I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
