I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
