Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
