My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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