Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize