life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
