i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
