I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
