My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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