new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
