Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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