I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Randomize