you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
