you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
