I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
