You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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