I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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