yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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