got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
