i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
